


Mixed Feelings

by origamigf



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Feelings Realization, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:28:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28292394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/origamigf/pseuds/origamigf
Summary: Feelings are confusing, he's never understood them. He can't even understand the love he's experiencing right now in this very moment.
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori & Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	Mixed Feelings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mel/gifts).



Feelings did not come easy to him like it did everyone else. He couldn’t quite always understand them or even get certain things right away. He had always had trouble with it. He’s grateful he’s been able to make great friends nonetheless, especially people like Tendou. He’s rather expressive with how he feels and even more so, he’s always honest and outright says how he’s feeling rather than leaving Ushijima guessing all the time. He doesn’t mean that a lot of people in his life leaves him guessing on purpose, it just feels like it sometimes. 

He couldn’t really decipher them easy. It was hard sometimes. He often felt weird because of that part of him. Things just didn’t click for him like it seemed to for everyone else. Sometimes, he wished he was more like Tendou. He wish he could understand them like he did. No matter what he said, Tendou always saw right through him and understood him unlike anyone else. He was his best friend and Ushijima really felt like it.

Despite that, he wanted to be as expressive as Tendou could be but he just found it hard sometimes. Most of the times, really. Like right now. He doesn’t how to express himself properly at all. It seems like such a hassle. It seemed harder than most classes he had taken. Was there a science to it? Or maybe a math formula? Maybe a play from Volleyball he could compare it too? 

He didn’t understand love. 

He didn’t understand why his simple feelings of respect could flush into so much more. He didn’t understand why his original respect for another level-headed captain had flourished into something much more. He didn’t understand why simple ‘Good morning.’ texts made his heart rush widely with feeling. He didn’t understand why he felt even more speechless than usual when they were able to interact in person on rare exchanges at training camps with other teams. 

With his team. 

His teams specifically. 

He didn’t hate the fact that it was him. He just didn’t understand why it was him though. What was it about him? Was it the fact he was a fellow captain? The fact that he was level-headed and calm? Maybe it’s because he’s an all-around good player? 

But he knew other people who had those traits and yet he felt nothing but normal respect for them as a player. 

He liked  _ him  _ for some reason he couldn’t figure out. What was it? It made him so confused thinking about it.

“Your feelings don’t make sense, Wakatoshi,” Tendou had said once after letting out a light-hearted chuckle. “You just sorta experience them. No one really gets why you fall for one person but not the other person. It’s sorta a science with chemicals and stuff, but no real answer is given. It just happens. It’s unpredictable.” 

Unpredictability scares him a bit. He doesn’t like it.

But he does like him. 

Kita Shinsuke of the Inarizaki team. He’s calm to a fault, even though he’s not always on the court, he proves his skill constantly through the actions of his players. A captain is so much more than just one player in charge more than the rest. It’s a person who teaches you, who guides you, and who inspires you. Their impact shapes you, even in the smallest way. That impact of Kita can be showed through his fellow players. 

And when he gets on the court? He’s not one you would notice at first, but before you know it, your eyes are drawn to him. He’s a strong player. His receives are undoubtedly solid and he sends the ball high right where his mouthy setter needs it. He’s capable and confident in his abilities, he never seems to doubt himself for a second, even if the points are closing in, even if they’re at the end of their ropes. 

He trusts in himself. He has confidence in himself. What more could he possibly need? He’s a good, capable player and he knows that. 

His smile, on the rare occasions he sees it, is simple. It’s sweet and smile. His eyes look content when it smiles, like in that moment, he’s as happy and relaxed as he could be. He’s happy and Ushijima thinks it’s the sweetest thing he’s ever seen. The sight is so kind to his eyes, allowing him to see Kita like that. 

He almost feels blessed to see such a thing, even though it only lasted for a mere moment. 

Maybe that was it. Maybe that was the exact moment it all felt too different. As he stared at him across from the courtyard, drenched in sweat but smiling with a relaxed body nonetheless, maybe that was when these feelings of mutual respect as opponents grew into something much more. Just maybe...that was the spark of these unforgiving emotions that swirled inside him. 

Love is a strange thing. 

He still doesn’t understand it. 

He likes Kita Shinsuke, more than he’s liked anyone else and that’s scary to him because it’s new. He’s suddenly unsure of everything about him and their chats that are few and far in-between, but some days, he feels closer to him than he should be. He wonders if the man far away in Hyogo feels the same or if it’s all in his head. 

He’s not sure how to express it or where to go from it. He doesn’t know how to handle it. This is so new. 

His heart beats way too faster whenever he’s talking to Kita, waiting for his every reply like a needy toddler. He keeps wondering what he should say, what he should do, how he should act; he’s a complete idiot when it comes to this.

He’s never understood the feelings of others. He’s never been at expressing his either, often coming off as intimidating and cold to people around him. He never tries to be. He wants to be a good and honest person, but his expression betrays him and his words come off wrong because he can never seem to get his tone quite right without sending others into a high state of anxiety. 

Once again, he wishes he was more like Tendou. 

His best friend says if he was like him, then that would make him lose his charm. 

He really doesn’t get what that means though. 

All that he really knows is that he wants to understand people. He wants to understand Kita Shinsuke the most out of everyone in the world. He wants to be able to pick up on the subtle hints that he may or may not be dropping, he wants to be able to read the captain’s mind. He wants to be to say he knows how Kita is feeling though text but he feels so forgein and far away. It’s never enough for him. 

How does one even begin to confess? 

He’s a complete mess when it comes to this stuff. If he dared to tell Kita his true feelings, it would only come off wrong. He knows it would. He’s too bad at this. 

‘Good morning Ushijima ^-^’ 

A flutter rushes through his chest as he stares at the text notification on the screen of his phone, his face flushing brighter as he walks to first period. He wonders if there’s more to the text that meets the eye, but he’s never been good at this. He’s bad at communicating, horrible at expressing himself, and even worse at understanding each other. 

‘Good morning Kita :)’ 

But he tries. 

He tries because he wants to understand everyone, he wants to be able to pick up on the cues and be able to read people’s mind like the way Tendou seems to be able to do, on and off the court. He wants to be able to freely express himself without worrying or scaring others into silence. He wants to be able to find the right words to tell people how he’s feeling without ruining the moment.

He wants all of this, so he tries.

He tries, so that one day, when he’s perfected it all, he can confess. 

Confessing seems like a distant dream away, but years pass by in a flash and before he knows it, he is. He’s confessing and it feels just as silly as it would have back in high school. 

But Kita doesn’t get scared off. Instead, he smiles and chuckles with kind, sweet eyes. 

“If we’re dating, then please call me Shinsuke.” 


End file.
